Kiss of Chaos

I love new experiences.

After some volatile pondering, I made the call. “Hi can I book in for a Thai Massage?”

I almost had to cancel due to being locked out of my home, but thanks to a pretty little stranger who broke in for me, I made it. The lady at the desk took my money, locked the door and instructed me to follow another lady. If either of them had heard of ‘friendly banta’, they certainly did not know what it was.

The first time I became alarmed was when the lady I was following took me down into the basement into a room with no lighting and a two mattresses on the floor. 

She muttered something and left me there. Minutes past, an my mind was racing… 

She returned with a wash basin and shoved my feet into it. Wiggle waggle, Wiggle waggle. OK, Take your clothes of now please, there’s a towel. And she left again.

Clothes off. Towel on. Lying down awaiting my fate.

The nice little Thai lady returns. She knocks before entering to give the impression of subtly. And then… She whips off the towel, no point in giving it to me then was there?!?!

She goes to town.

Half hour later and several genital grazes many heavy bows to the back and  she had finished. She again muttered something inaudible to which I replied “huh…Yeah thats fi…wait what?!?” She said it again, while rolling up the bed clothes, “You don’t mind if i saty here while you change?” 

“Oh yeah, well that’s fine” 

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

P.S.

I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?

Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN

All throughout the Bible, and the New Testament specifically, God uses the weak, deprived, delluded and disabled to speak, teach, love and impact communities. Zacheus, Paul and the Boy with the Fish and Bread are three examples of this. God (love) seems to delight in using the unexpected and those shunned by others. 

Most Christians know these stories. Most Christians preach these stories.

Most churches look for the best, the ones who have it all-together, the affluent, the able bodied - the expected. When was the last time a blind man preached, a young girl gave a prophecy, a dirty and unkept man lead the service or a liar lead a ministry. Church practice does not seem to reflect God’s obvious desire for the underdog.

There is a boom in the fitness industry.

Everyone wants to get fit. Initially, many people want to get fit because of the positive effect it will have on them and their mindset and therefore those around them. They begin to develop strategic plans to promote this style of life that they have found to be fulfilling and enriching.

One man spearheads the campaign and creates a Zumba class. 

It’s life changing.

It’s popular.

And It works.

- Years Pass -

Zumba has become a sensation. It is more popular than ever expected. The creator, Rob Paul, must be delighted. 

Here is the transcript of the Interview.

Interviewer: All this Zumba success. You must be over the moon Rob?

Rob: Well Sam, if I’m being honest with you no not at all.

Interviwer: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Are you aware that over a third of the worlds population claim to be devoted to Zumba?

Rob: I am aware. i think it’s great that people have got excited about Zumba. However, I am sceptical as to whether it has accomplished what it was always intended to.

Interviewer: How so? It seems to me that people go to Zumba every week and follow the routines, they socialize and the term ‘Zumba family’ has even been coined in some clubs I believe, they advertise and recruit new members avidly with new and ever-improving determined strategies. Is this all wrong?

Rob: It is not that it is wrong, it’s simply not what it was created for. I am happy that it has become a place of friendship and fun. I am happy that the member count is always increasing and I’m happy they go every week. However, from my research it seems that this is the only time in the week that they do exersize. It also seems that they are advertising and promoting a Zumba club rather than a lifestyle of change and fitness. I am also concerned that it is now being advertised in some areas as the only way to get fit. This saddens me Sam.

Interviewer: Ok. Well some strong words from the creator of Zumba. A phenomenon that has swept the globe. If your not part of it and you want to be part of an ever growing family where you can have fun and get fit, there really is only one place to go… Zumba!

I’m trying to hurtle down the m62 earlier today, returning from a 130 mile cross country journey to retrieve a new laptop delivered to the wrong address. As I was brumming along a large white van settled comfotably at around 55mph in the 3rd (fast) lane.

So I was forced, after some time in waiting, to undertake the blighter at around 60-65mph. After I passed him, the driver felt it necessary to wave goodbye with a rather unpleasant hand gesture.

This man, is in fact…

An Idiot.

From the blog spot that brought you the ‘Ice-o-wave’ and the ‘Over-Thank’ comes the newest and most exciting project to date!

Are you over 18 and wanna do something just a little bit sexy this christmas time? Something a sneaky bit different? Something that involves wrapping up warm and getting your nosh on!

Here it is…

First of all go buy yourself a good pair of gloves, maybe some cheap thinsulate babies!

The second part is the trickiest, which why it is called the challenge Annika stage, go out on the streets, maybe you know where already, but Go find a homeless person (Probably one selling a big issue, cos theyre legit!) in a towncentre or wherever.

Once you’ve found them have a cheeky wander into a shop like Londis, Boots, Spar or Asda and get yourself a crisps, drink and sandwich meal deal (maybe the turkey sandwich, and maybe even a pack of digestives).

To complete the Christmas challenge… Go over to the homeless person and give them the christmas warmer meal deal!

If you like once you have completed the CWMD challenge, Send me a message with their name and we’ll keep a record of how many homeless people we can serve christmas to?

I managed to grab one today and old mate John was loving it.

So happy Christmas hunting!

‘Love is…’

The ‘Over-Thank’ is a term coined by  myself and a couple of other like-minded individuals several years back.

It was born out of necessity.

It was at a time when In-Car Frivolity was the indisputable NAME of THE GAME!

We were Screaming out of windows, Asking where Neeple Road was located, The through-the-window Clothes Exchange, CoocheyCooing and so very much more! The more Boisterous the better quite frankly, as you can imagine is was a hoot!

On a side-note, I believe that this particular phase was when the ‘Red=Gay’ Phrase found it’s glorious infamy.

Before you all fall out of your rocking chairs wondering what in the dickens ‘The Over-Thank’ actually is, let me explain to you all.

The Over-Thank is simple, first of all, it is imperative that you inform all of the car passengers of an upcoming Over-Thank opportunity.

Secondly, you grip your fingers into a fist shape and stick your thumbs up (both hands, driving or not!) Now be prepared to wiggle like you mean it.

Thirdly you all simultaneously wiggle your thumbs up and down at a passing car who is expecting a mild and understated thanks. Obviously Similing is a must for it to be a successful O-T.

The ideal times to utilize the O-T is when a driver is ever so slighlty frustrated with you since you didn’t give him/her chance to come through a small gap. Man do those guys love the O-T then. You should see some of the responses we have had.

Everything from a confused return thumbs up to other gestures that maybe aren’t appropriate for this entry.

I’m sure that there are many ways in which you can customize your own O-T techniques to maximize the desired outcome. Please feel free to share your success stories with me, I’ll be sure to post them for other lucky readers!

Happy Over-Thanking This Winter!